the freevolous

I don’t pretend to bring you insightful solutions, today. these are just questions, heartbreaks and thoughts I blurted out on camera while getting ready, of which I then tried to make a bit more sense by writing this post.

the (obvious) context

times have always been complicated. I’m not going to sit here on my privileged white European arse and pretend otherwise. I’m also, off the bat, acknowledging I’m not aware of all the wrongs in the world, despite my pitiful efforts to stay informed. I’m aware of several, and feel equally frustrated, angry and powerless to do anything to help.

I don’t tend to embark on simplistic two-sided views of the world. good and bad, hot and cold… many wrongs have been done under the guise of “doing the right thing” (according to whom?), and harming others – directly or indirectly; physically or emotionally; financially, whatever – is a very profitable business. at times it feels like the most profitable business. the ever-growing business, that feels like an inevitable cascade of “more, more, more”. it feeds on people’s petty selfishness, their fears and frustrations, it fuels them with empty promises, just enough to keep them running on the hamster wheel, but not weak enough to make them want to break free.
more than anything, it keeps people isolated enough to not realise their true power as a group. I digress (as usual).

this one… well, it’s hitting a bit closer to home – literally, for me – and, full disclosure, the possible consequences of the current affairs have been wreaking havoc with my anxiety.
and I’m not even directly affected by what is happening…
there are so many feelings all at once, so many serious things to focus on, so much to feel responsible for, or powerless to solve, or angry at.

why make beauty videos now, then?

it may sound like a sob story (and I think I mentioned this before, when the pandemic started), but YouTube videos helped me immensely when I had a depression in 2019.
yes, I’m talking on one hand about making videos – which I wasn’t able to do for a while, so when I finally got back it was a big stepping stone signalling the improvement of my mental health. when done without too much pressure, filming and editing brings me joy, and I plan to hold on to that joy for however long it stays that way for me.
but, and mainly, I remember clearly that time when merely watching videos provided me with an escape: at first, a friendly background voice talking about simple, “normal” things when I couldn’t focus; and later being able to actually feel like was again engaging with the content I was watching.
they actually helped me keep me out of my own head, and instead made me feel there was something “normal” to come back to, in a way. people passionate about their crafts and creative processes have always been my jam.

I’m an entertainer at heart, it’s actually my job, duh, and I see it as, yes, a public service.
if I can provide that bit of escapism, replicate that feeling of distraction and company to even one viewer who is under any kind of distress, it’s worth it.

and let us never forget that any form of self-expression can be an act of defiance, empowerment, individuality, assertiveness, hence… freedom. make-up included.

so there you go.

yes, and

all of this is to mean we can be many things at once, feel many things at once, some that collide and contradict others, even. we’re lucky for not being in the terrible situations that we’re witnessing every day (and all the others that go ignored by the media), but we can nonetheless empathise and feel our hearts in a twist. we can be living our normal lives, having a relaxed laugh with friends, and at the same time feel guilt, or even a sense of impending doom (justified or not, doesn’t matter. it’s there).

we can be concerned about what is happening in plain sight and still start to grasp other situations we weren’t aware of, or that we, by no matter what motives, didn’t pay attention to. we can be torn between believing in a better world and noticing all the “progress” we think we had done is mostly a smoke screen… or at its very best, standing on the most fragile foundation, vulnerable to any blow. the most precious things usually are.

I hate whataboutism. it mostly nullifies one thing to favour another. it’s useless, because stuff doesn’t go away just because you choose to ignore or de-prioritise it. and we shouldn’t miss the forest for the trees, either.

the fact is many many things were already wrong in the world. many many things are wrong at the same time in the world, and we need to come to terms with that.
this is, for sure, another putrid drop in the cesspool of desperation and human lows. it’s not the best time for those “faith in humanity restored” hashtags, if we’re looking at the big picture.

it’s terrible to watch, knowing we’re only dipping our toes in the ripple effects, with monsters crawling around under the muddled surface – I can’t pretend to fathom what it is to actually live it.
it seems our hearts can break infinitely, and at the same time it feels like we’re at a point where they can’t take another sigh. 

I get that we don’t want to feel overwhelmed, on one hand, so it’s a natural defence mechanism; on the other hand some situations may challenge us to change our perspectives, which, when we’re already angry, afraid and tired, is a pretty hefty request.

so… a “yes, and” approach feels more balanced to me. 

even though we’re not in the deep of it all, it is normal to feel overwhelmed: by the shock wave of something new that we’re powerless to stop; by the fact that everything is deeply confusing and there’s no absolute truths, no absolute good and bad, no absolute right or wrong to support ourselves on, just the muddy waters of war through which we humbly must admit we can’t really see; the endless widespread suffering, grief, waste of lives, of potential to do better, to improve on what was going well; the crippling anticipation of big and small consequences, both that are happening and are still to come; and also dealing with our biases, realising our never-ending list of blind spots, our personal failures, and feeling at once responsible and powerless with all this.

we want to log off to stay sane and we feel bad if we do. we want to choose one thing to worry about at a time and can’t help but feel we’re letting the freaking world down.

yes, and.

we’re very complex, full of contradictions, and most of us are doing the best we can with the information and tools we have. and we can learn to do better.
allowing ourselves and others to be vulnerable and kind should be The New Brave, instead of all this toxic macho competitive bullcrap, that takes advantage of and steps on anything that stands in the way, even if it was just minding its own business.
in my ideal world, we’d have the humility to admit we make mistakes (both in actions and in judgements), gather the determination to learn from them and do our best not to repeat them, and proudly stand with anyone who is being wronged. we’d allow ourselves to not mistake kindness for weakness.

hey, in the meantime, sometimes all we can do is breathe. and, yes, slap some make-up on.

take care of yourself. and others.

makeup mentioned (because “yes, and”):

• Purito Cica Clearing BB Cream (I mix shades 23 and 27)
• Make Up Forever Ultra HD Concealer
• Make up Forever Ultra HD Pressed Powder
• MAC Mulch Velvet Eyeshadow
• Colour Pop Super Shock Shadow . A little Quarky
• Natasha Denona Mini Star Palette . earth (any deep brown does the job!)
• Benefit Roller Lash
• Danessa Myricks Dew it Undercover Cheek and Lip Palette . Hush Hush and Nude Tude
• Kaleidos Cloud Lab Lip Clay . Mahogony